| N |
| NancyB: | a robotic grandmother. |
| Nand: | to be hit repeatedly with a piece of unleavened bread. |
| Napkin: | 1. sleep. 2. sleep with your sister. |
| Natal-Post Depression: | dents in shipping caused by inexperienced workers at a recently-started mailing company. |
| Near Miss: | 1. a hit 2. a bride that almost didn't make it to her own wedding 3. sexual harassment. |
| Necromancy (adj): | fond of kissing. |
| Neologism (n): | an entry in an early mathematical table. |
| Neonphobia: | the fear of a noble gas; see Xenophobia. |
| Neutron Bombe: | a very small neutron bomb concealed in the dessert served at a particularly kitch resturant, that is frequented by a large selection of neutrotic customers. |
| Neutrotic: | uffering from a neurotic belief that one is about to be irradiated by a exploding neutron bombe. |
| Newark: | what Noah will get round to building one day Real Soon Now. |
| Newton: | what one gets after the old ton is used up. |
| Nightime: | when words are too close. |
| Nineties: | decade in which neckwear became extremely flamboyant. |
| Nitpick (n): | 1. A very small and unimportant plectrum. 2. Tool for implanting flea eggs. 3. The best of a lot of hand-made woolens. |
| Nokia: | must remember to replace my doorbell battery. |
| Nomothete: | nocturnal diet. |
| Nor: | up a creek without a paddle. |
| Norman: | cubist. |
| Notator: | who ate all the spuds? |
| Notice (n): | 1. a sign on a river-bank for the benefit of would-be skaters. 2. what one says, when one has no luck and is voiceless. |
| Nutator: | a machine to spin spuds on two axes. |
O |
| Obscene (wotsit): | 1. part of a script set in an exterior location. 2. (thinghy): part of a soap opera set in a maternity unit. |
| Occult bookstore: | One that's hard to find. |
| Occult (interj): | That's where I left it! |
| Octopus (n): | 1. A cat that only has one life left. 2. The eighth masterpiece from a genius. |
| Octothorpe (n): | 1. a politician with eight faces instead of just the usual three 2 (n): a holiday resort eight times more popular than Mablethorpe. |
| Odometer (n): | device displaying the time until your poetic licence expires. |
| Offended: | amputated |
| Ohm (n): | where the 'eart is. |
| Oklahoma: | French tree house (First). |
| Old flame: | grillfriend. |
| Olympics: | post-connubial photos. |
| Onomatopoeia (n): | 1. connected with going to the toilet 2. (excl.) Italian instruction in house-training a puppy. |
| Ontopic (n): | 1. a passport photograph. 2. something applied to the upper surface of a photograph. |
| Openings: | circular letters. |
| Operating Theatre: | a playhouse that is currently in full working order. |
| Opostrphe: | a comma |
| Optocus: | a swear word uttered when you trip over your own feet. |
| Oral Examination: | multiple choice test. |
| Out of Hand: | CENSORED |
| Out...: | interjection expressing a painful death. |
| Outclass: | yer average lesbian. |
| Outcome: | "Ugh..." |
| Outlaw: | openly homosexual piece of legislation. |
| Outlet: | gay-friendly realtor. |
| Outsider: | queer alcoholic apple drink. |
| Outsource: | http://www.popstarz.co.uk. |
| Outwit: | gay humour; one who flunks an Open University degree. |
| Overwaitea: | over-large teabags. |
| Oxymaroon: | a flare with flair. |
| Oxymeringue: | a sponge cake. |
| Oxymoron: | a person so stupid that he/she forgets to breathe. |
P |
| Neckropheliac: | short guy who cannot reach to grab proper kiss from tall temps. |
| Pagan Hangover: | 1. a severed headache 2. the morning after the mid-summer's night before. |
| Painful: | settle one's credit card account each month. |
| Palate: | when a cannibal has his friend round for lunch |
| Palfreys: | quick snack for undertakers. |
| Palindrome (n): | an airfield dedicated to Monty Python. |
| Pallette (n): | a small pall. |
| Panhandle (v): | to become erect in a public place; viz. "I'm like _so_ embarrassed! When they frisked me at the airport I got panhandled!" |
| Panorama: | a cooking supply extravaganza. |
| Pant: | that which follows all passion. |
| Pant: | that which follows all passion. |
| Paprika: | dad's been at the baked beans again. |
| Parabolic (adj): | A kind of, um, metabolism. Yeah. |
| Parabolica: | When that doctor squeezes too tightly. |
| Parabolics (n): | what takes only one doctor to examine. |
| Paradox (n): | 1. two quays. 2. two physicians. |
| Paradoxical (adj): | pertaining to or having the quality of quays that are not quays. |
| Parasites: | what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. |
| Parboil: | cannibal recipe. |
| Parentheses: | 1. young tree about to pass on father's knowledge in Middle Earth. 2. dissertation on genealogy. |
| Parse (v.t): | hat speakers with received pronunciation do with the sote. |
| Parsnip: | 1. father's drop of brandy 2. The reason I have no younger siblings. |
| Parson: | 1. a twin boy 2 (wotsit): an average child. |
| Partake: | steal somebody's father. |
| Participant (n): | a less than sociable insect. |
| Participants: | those who find electrons in their drawers. |
| Party Life: | insurance policy in the former USSR. |
| Passivator: | a spud that just doesn't care any more. |
| Patholicism: | 1. the belief that all roads lead to Rome 2. the belief that all roads lead to misery. |
| Patholicism: | 1. the belief that all roads lead to Rome 2. the belief that all roads lead to misery. |
| PayPal: | an online payment system eschewed by Ulstermen. |
| Peat: | to do only once. |
| Pecial (adj): | pelled in an unusual way. |
| Pecify (v): | to supply the missing part for a mortar. |
| Pecimen: | a group of blokes who just lost their shirts at the races. |
| Pedant: | an insect which has lost its driving license due to poor use of hand-signals. |
| Pedantic (n): | 1. Clever use of a skateboard. 2. Movements made by a person crossing a street on foot, attempting to avoid autos. 3. a clever move of the feet. |
| Peer pressure: | 1. walking through Soho 2. how a seat in the House of Lords feels 3. what a urinal experiences. |
| Peer-to-Peer Network: | House of Lords LAN. |
| Peer: | 1. one who pees 2. one who pes. |
| Peerage (n): | anger at finding a dog has urinated on your copy of Burke's |
| Pentameter (n): | device used to measure how fraught one is feeling. |
| Penult: | an ult who writes |
| Penultimate: | what an exhausted stud-swan yearns to reach. |
| Perimeter (n): | device to tell you if your champagne is the Real Thing. |
| Perpetual Motion: | a condition of excessively frequent and loose bowel movements caused by severe Marmite intolerance. |
| Persiflage: | (n)1. A disguise. 2. (v): (to a mime) how, with the face, to represent anal insertion of an imaginary vegetable. |
| Perverse (adv): | how a poet is paid. |
| Pessary: | Oops! Wrong newsgroup. |
| Pharaoh Hound (excl): | "Tut! An' come on!" |
| Pharmacist: | a helper on the farm. |
| Pharmacist: | a helper on the farm. |
| Phentermine: | a marshland that has valuable mineral deposits. |
| Phil Lip: | Duke of Edinburgh. |
| Philanderer (n): | a native of the country which is shaped like a Greek letter. |
| Philately: | 1. a much more interesting way for a growing boy to collect stamps. 2. to plan the broadcasting day for a television station in England. |
| Philistine (excl.): | brusque British tourist's request to a German bar tender. |
| Philology: | words of love |
| Philosophy: | love, oh so love. |
| Phlegm: | the cause of bad breath in dragons. |
| Phobic: | frightened of biros. |
| Phonetics (doodah): | (Irish) talking politely when using electronic telecommunications equipment. |
| Phonograph (n): | a person's signature sent by fax, ex. "I require your authorisation for the order -- can I have your phonograph please?" |
| Phonology (n): | the ability to tell who are your enemies simply by listening to their voices. |
| Photographing: | drawing from memory. |
| Phylactery (n): | udder love. |
| Phyllo Dough (n): | The root of all evil. |
| Pier Pressure: | "Come to Brighton with us. You know you'll love it, really. Come on, it'll be great!" |
| Pier (n): | 1. one who delights in calculating the ratio of a circle'scircumference to its diameter 2. one who spills drawers of type in a printer's shop 3. a maker of pork and pastry delicacies. |
| Pilgrim: | how children feel about taking medications -- especially when they taste bad. |
| Pillow: | a failed attempt to swallow a large foreign object. |
| Pine: | a tree with a lingering, nostalgic desire. |
| Piste: | what you get before shouting for help. |
| Pistol(n): | a fee for the use of a public restroom. |
| Piston: | the result of 14 pints of lager. |
| Plagiarist (n): | Anopheles mosquito. |
| Plankton: | weight of a very heavy, narrow bridge. |
| Plant Life: | factory insurance policy. |
| Plateau (n): | A flat philospher. |
| Pliant (n): | a fun-loving rich southern insect. |
| Plumber: | One who exposes saboteurs, as well at "buttocks cleavage." |
| Plutocracy: | dogged stupidity. |
| Pocket Editions (v): | What thieves do in book shops. |
| Poetry (n): | the first draft of "The Raven" |
| Polarize: | what penguins see with. |
| Polite: | 1. bedside lamp. 2. Teletubby bedside lamp 3. stamp machine. |
| Political: | how to make a parrot laugh. |
| Polosing: | 1. to perform a vocal concert while/whilst wearing pullover shirts. 2. a vocal performance while sucking a small mint. 3. the note attained by blowing through the hole of said confection. |
| Polycarbonate: | 1. A tough, clear plastic used to make football helmets, capacitors, and bird cages. 2. avian antacid. |
| Polyfiller: | high-calorie parrot food. |
| Polygamous (adj): | Having multiple calves. |
| Polygamy (n): | 1. A well-hung dead parrot. 2. A froup of assorted pygmies. |
| Polygon: | deceased parrot. |
| Polymer: | nautical parrot |
| Polynesia (n): | Loss of memory about parrots. |
| Polynomial (adj): | 1. referring to that custom among certain parrot societies to give ceremonial names to tribal elders. 2. (n) threat to a noisy parrot. |
| Pomeranian: | Briton resident in Australia. |
| Pond Life: | insurance policy exclusively for the French. |
| Poodle: | pooper-scooper for dogs with diarrhoea. |
| Pornocoptery (v): | Taking feelthy peectures while hovering. |
| Portent: | temporary refuge for the under-privileged. |
| Post mortem: | The Royal Mail is on strike again. |
| Post-Natal Depression: | 1. a dent left in the ground by a dropped baby 2. a dent left in the head of a baby dropped on the ground 3. the realisation that one's wife was too friendly with the mailman. |
| Posthumous Postings: | pretty powerful paranormal phenomena. |
| Postnegative: | 1. a letter containing bad news. 2. see Cathode. 3. a pit. |
| Potater (n): | a spud belonging to a Teletubby. Synonyms: lalatater, dipsytater, tinky-winky-tater. |
| Pre-Natal Depression: | sadness experienced before setting off for South Africa. |
| Precert: | 1. channel identifier at end of program segment, just before the commercials begin 2. something you take before you have a breath mint. |
| Premesis (n): | the beginning of ones end (insert apostrophe according to taste). |
| Preserve: | the days before the internet. |
| Presidency: | a capitol offence in the United States. |
| Prestidigitation: | the act of having one's finger on the button. |
| Prestidigitator: | A journalistic spud (v. small) capable of slight of hand. |
| Priapic (n): | the embarrassing photograph before the treatment took effect – or, in this day and age, after the treatment took effect. |
| Priest: | happy Japanese. |
| Primate: | removing your spouse from in front of the TV. |
| Primate: | removing your spouse from in front of the TV. |
| Printed Morse: | Braille for the sighted. |
| Privy Seal: | getting way too friendly with an aquatic mammal. |
| Probiotic: | given to probing erotically (for pleasure). |
| Procreation (n): | 1. the act of being paid to make babies. 2. The process of taking a human creature made up largely of muscle with little or no viable brain tissue, and turning it into a professional sports figure. |
| Prodigious: | 1. excessively devout but not Catholic (N. Ireland) 2. gifted in getting the attention of another party with a well-aimed index finger 3. in favor of excavation 4. in support of fingers. |
| Profiterole (adv): | Courtesan's financial objective. |
| Profligate (n): | a Japanese ship acceptable for use in shipping. |
| Prolapse: | 1. forgetting to pick up her fee 2. a lower class niche 3. in favour of sitting down 4. track circuits done by someone who gets paid for it. |
| Proliferate (n): | amount paid to buy a vote from an anti-abortionist. |
| Prolific (n): | opposed to the death penalty. |
| Prometheus: | inclined to get smashed on wood alcohol. |
| Pronoun (n): | distinction in the oldest profession. |
| Pronouncement (n): | a declaration that you and I will stick together. |
| Proofreader (n): | one who habitually verifies the alcoholic content of anything he drinks. |
| Proofreader (n): | one who habitually verifies the alcoholic content of anything he drinks. |
| Propagate (n): | the correct means of entry. |
| Property (thingy): | what you might drink in India, China or Ceylon. |
| Prosthetic: | toilet humour that makes one groan. |
| Protection racket: | noise made by a very squeaky condom. |
| Protestant: | North Korean insect. |
| Prototype: | 1. by day, secretary, by night, hooker 2. one in favour of secretaries. |
| Protractor (n): | a Hummer driven by a hooker. |
| Provision: | a beautiful whore. |
| Pseudonym: | a statement uttered at a dentist's office, meaning "sort of numb". |
| Pulitzer Prize (n): | a chicken dish, notable chiefly for the delicacy of its portions in comparison to the picture on the menu. |
| Punctilious: | as attentive to minor details as Matilda, the juvenile delinquent. |
| Punctuation (n): | a Sex Pistols performance. |
| Punitive Damages: | penalty for unfunny remarks. |
| Pupate: | how one's favourite slippers met their doom. |
| Pyrexia (oojamafluff): | 1. Eating disorder, characterised by eating too many casseroles. 2. a rise in a person's temperature usu. due to excitment of a forthcoming casserole dish exhibition. 3. The crime of hitting a king with the old custard flan joke. |
Q |
| Qua: | the front end of a pantomime quagga. |
| Quad Latch: | university gatekeeper. |
| Quay: | 1. A small flightless fish. 2. The middle third of a te-quay-la. |
| Query: | 1. [adj] Not quite right 2. [n] Chemically unsound drug. |
| Quualude: | to alude with added 'qua'. |
R |
| Rabbitfish: | gamekipper's supper. |
| Random: | a condom with a ladder in it. |
| Rapport (n): | French musical artist who speaks, rather than sings, lyrics. |
| Rapscallion (n): | a spring onion that recites over a strong rock beat. |
| Razor: | someone who makes Mark's cellar floor bumpy. |
| Reappear (vi): | going back into the orchard to resume your fruit-picking. |
| Recently (adv): | the Astronomer Royal disguising himself as a tree. |
| Recipie: | instructions on how to make a pie. |
| Recreation (n): | The pastime of making things new again. |
| Rectum: | What the Indy 500 driver did to two cars. |
| Recuperate: | to cover Daphne and Celeste's 'School's Out' in the style of the original version. |
| Recursive (adj): | wearing again. |
| Recycle: | back on your bike! |
| Red setter (n): | brightly coloured jelly mould. |
| Redoubt (v): | not to be sure of again. |
| Refusal: | adjudication. |
| Regicide: | 1. the removal of a yet another nobleman (see Circumcision, Countdown, Deduction, Discount). 2. the removal of the host of a vile quiz show. |
| Reincarnation: | to restrain a flower. |
| Relief: | what trees do in the spring. |
| Remiss (v): | to revert to one's maiden name. |
| Remission (n): | divorce. |
| Repulse: | to throb again. |
| Researching: | Stealing but with credit. |
| Reserve: | concerning an ISP |
| Resistance (v): | to sistance again, like we did last summer. |
| Resolve (v): | o get the answer again. |
| Restarant (n): | kwitcherbitchin |
| Restaurateur (n): | one who evaluates naps. |
| Resurrect (n): | a barber sketch in a Yiddish vaudeville theatre. |
| Retail: | a highly specialised branch of taxidermy. |
| Reuben (v): | what rich young dandies do when they go out in the country for a lark. |
| Reverse (v): | rewrite to make inverse. |
| Revolution: | when the people rise and get out curly upper case "d" back. |
| Reward: | 1. another drawback. 2. to move a patient within a hospital |
| Rex Reed: | Command to an intelligent dog. |
| Rhetorical (adj): | referring to Mr. Butler from Gone with the Wind. |
| Rhettoric: | not giving a damn, Scarlett. |
| Rhinoceros (n): | person who finds large noses to be sexually exciting. |
| Rice rink: | a frozen paddy field. |
| Rightondia: | a[n] Utopian country where everything is right-on. |
| Roman: | a mover of small boats. |
| Rotate: | menu. |
| Rotator: | 1. fish eggs and spuds. 2. a machine to spin spuds. |
| Rottweiler: | worse encryption system than Rot-13. |
| Royal Family: | an oxymoron. |
| Royalist: | what one hopes to get on if one is one. |
| Royalties: | weddings which are impossible to avoid. |
| Ruminants (n): | persons who never leave their studio apartments. |
