vs. Mortal Kombat

by Cloud Volpe

(The scene begins with all five Spice Girls walking down a dimly lit dock in a large city in the Far East. All around are Asian drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, and other lowlifes.)

Posh Spice: My God! Look at this place! It looks like our neighborhood before we got enough money to move away by brainwashing all of those pre-pubescent girls and teenage boys into buying our CD.

(A drug user approaches Scary Spice.)

Druggie: Yo! What you got?

Scary Spice: Excuse me?

Druggie: You know… Hashish? 'Ludes? LSD? What you got?

Scary: I'm no dealer! Get the hell away from me!

(The druggie walks away from Scary.)

Druggie (muttering to himself): Who the hell walks around with hair like that and doesn't even sell pot? Sheesh!

(A pimp and a prostitute approach the girls.)

Pimp: Hey girls! How would ya'll like to make a little cash?

Baby Spice: Tee hee hee! Duh!

Pimp: All you gotta do is make out with Denise here in front of Mr. Takamura. He's our biggest client, you know!

Sporty Spice: Hey, that sounds gr…

Ginger Spice (interrupting Sporty): What do we look like to you? Common street whores?

Pimp: Well, actually…

Posh: Don't answer that! Just leave us alone!

(The pimp and prostitute walk away. After a few seconds, a loud slap is heard from the direction they went.)

Pimp (in the background): Where's my money bitch?!

Sporty: You know, it's really a shame that we couldn't help out that nice lady and her employer. I mean, I wouldn't have minded if we…

All: Shut up!

(A drug dealer approaches the Spice Girls.)

Dealer: Hey! Just what the hell do you skanks think you're doing? This here is my selling territory! No one sells here but me!

Ginger: Relax, buddy. The only one of us with any interest in drugs is Posh. She's been hooked on nearly everything known to man.

Posh: Why you dirty little slut! You weren't supposed to tell anyone about that!

Scary (looking at Posh): So you're the one who's been raiding my stash! I'll claw your eyes out, bitch!

(Posh leaps at Ginger, Scary leaps at Posh, and chaos ensues. The girls begin fighting and scratching each other.)

Voice: STOP!

(The dealer runs away, startled. A bolt of lightning appears, and a lone figure with long, white hair stands before the Spice Girls in the place where the lightning struck.)

Rayden: I am Rayden, God of Lightning! I have come to take all of Earth's greatest fighters to the Outworld to fight the evil sorcerer Shao Kahn.

Posh: You mean that we've been chosen as Earth's greatest warriors? Wow! That is truly an honor!

Rayden: Actually, all of Earth's greatest fighters are doing crappy Hollywood productions now. We decided to use the fighters we already have, and to take you five as bait.

Ginger: That's sadistic! We'll have no part of this whatsoever!

Rayden: We're giving free batteries and body piercings to anyone who survives!

All (without hesitation): We'll do it!

(Rayden begins to swirl mystical lightning around himself and the girls. They disappear from the dark street and reappear in the Outworld, a desolate wasteland where a war has clearly been fought recently.)

Ginger: Hey! It looks just like my old neighborhood, when I was paying rent by posing for trashy magazines!

(Some other people join the scene alongside the Spice Girls. They are all clearly fighters.)

Rayden: These are your allies. They will be fighting Shao Kahn as well.

Johnny Cage: Hi! I'm Johnny Cage, international action movie star! I'm a great fighter, and I also have the special ability to engage in sex with any heterosexual woman I meet! (Looks at Sporty.) Hey babe! Wanna go at it with me when we get back?

Sporty: Go to hell, creep.

Liu Kang: I am Liu Kang, the stereotypical Asian martial arts expert.

Sonya Blade: And I am Sonya, a tough Army officer without the slightest regard for others.

Jax: I'm Jax. I'm the token black guy, and I've got really big metal arms because I feel physically inadequate with my real ones.

Rayden: Enough talking! Shao Kahn's fortress is this way. We must hurry.

(Rayden leads them all to a dark castle. He transports them to the top level, where Shao Kahn and his minions are waiting patiently.)

Shao Kahn: So, Lord Rayden. We meet again. And I see you have brought me some hookers, as well?

Rayden: What? I… (Looks at Spice Girls.) Oh, them. They're here to help stop you.

Shao Kahn: You can try!

Rayden: Attack him!

(Rayden, Cage, Liu, Sonya, and Jax begin attacking hordes of ninjas. Each of them is throwing some type of fireball from their hands, or doing physically impossible martial arts moves on their enemies.)

Baby: Tee hee!

Scary: Wow. Almost makes me wish I had powers of my own.

Ginger: But we do have power of our own!

Sporty: We do? What?

Ginger: Girl Power!

All: Girl Power! Hooray!

(All fighting in the room immediately halts. Both sides of the battle look at the Spice Girls questioningly.)

Cage: What the…?

Shao Kahn: Rayden! What the hell do you call this?

Rayden: Don't look at me! I saw the little bitches walking by, and they were dressed so badly that I thought they had to be superheroes of some sort!

(The girls are still chanting "Girl Power!" and are assuming defensive poses around the ninjas, who are staring back in disbelief.)

Liu: Will you stop repeating that annoying catch phrase?!

Sonya: Yeah! Too much of something is bad enough!

Rayden (shaking head in disgust): What have I done?

(Jax, apparently having had enough, walks up to the nearest Spice Girl, Ginger, and grabs her by the back.)

Ginger: Ah, my friend Jax! Are you going to lift me into a new double attack formation?

Jax: Hardly.

(Jax snaps her spine.)

Ginger: Oh, damn! That hurts! Hey! I can't feel anything below my waist!

Posh: Yeah, you probably lost all feeling down there after you did all those guys back in '95…

Ginger: No, you stupid bitch! I mean I lost it just now! I think my back is broken!

Shao Kahn: Rayden, I pity you. These female fighters you have brought are a disgrace to both sides. See how they aren't even intelligent enough to realize that one of their own has sustained a near-fatal injury?

Rayden: I agree. I was a fool to think that they could help my cause. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Kahn?

Shao Kahn: Yes, I believe so.

(Kahn nods at all of his ninja forces, while Rayden nods at his group of fighters: Cage, Sonya, Jax, and Liu. Both sides immediately charge and attack the Spice Girls.)

Scary: Ha! We can take on all of these guys by ourselves, can't we girls?

Baby: Tee hee!

Posh: Right on! Girl Power!

(The Spice Girls assume odd martial arts poses, waiting for the inevitable attack.)

Rayden: Wait, Kahn. I have a better idea. We shouldn't waste our forces on these five airheads.

(All forces stop moving immediately.)

Shao Kahn: You have a better idea?

Rayden: Yes.

Shao Kahn: What?

(Rayden draws from his power, and releases a lightning bolt directly at the Spice Girls. All are instantly vaporized. All that remains is a pile of ashes, two pairs of breast implants, and several pieces of jewelry from various body piercings.)

Rayden: That.

(Both sides of the conflict begin dancing and cheering for joy. Champagne bottles are popped open, and bags of Doritos are torn open. Confetti flies everywhere.)

Shao Kahn: Rayden, I have to admit; I underestimated you. You really aren't such a bad guy.

Rayden: Truce, Shao Kahn?

Shao Kahn: Truce, my friend. Hey, I have a big screen with Dolby downstairs. Want to see the Flyers game? Drinks are on me!

Rayden: This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Kahn.

(All members of the former battle walk down the stairs, talking and laughing all the while.)

THE END

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