vs. Dragonball Z
vs. Dragonball ZHoo boy, this one took me a while. Writing something like this that tries to please fans who are familiar with only the later season of Dragonball Z is challenging, not to mention the fact that balancing so many characters at one time is extremely difficult to do. Toriyama (the guy who wrote all the DBZ manga) did it by making certain characters the always-save-the-day guys while the other characters were left to stew with useless levels of power and get their asses beaten on a regular basis. Frankly, I don't like the way he pushed some of the interesting characters aside to please his fanboys, and his storytelling leaves a LOT to be desired, but I'm doing my best to emulate and parody his style, which is what the point of this page is. I also realized midway through an initial draft that people were going to be upset if I didn't put in Trunks doing this, or Frieza doing that, or Cell sucking Mr. Satan's dick. And around that time, I also realized that I didn't care; as someone once told me, it's better to write for yourself and let others read it than to write for others in an attempt to please them. So that's what I did.
What you are about to read went through a lot of revisions and rewrites until I came up with a story I was pleased with and hoped others would be pleased with as well. For those who know about Dragonball Z, the pro wrestling of anime (in that it's one of those guilty pleasures not everyone admits to watching), this story takes place during the very first season, when Raditz showed up, caused a lot of trouble, and cleared the way for Vegeta and Nappa to enter the picture. You're not going to find shape-changing aliens, outrageous Super-Saiyan-Level-2 transformations, fusion earrings, or androids because they simply weren't there yet. This was the very beginning of the DBZ saga.
Let it be known that I am not a gigantic fan of the early English dub. After the third DBZ season, the level of censoring on American TV dropped sharply when the production staff underwent a welcome change. Before that, however, it was edited to shit. Blood was digitally removed, the word "kill" was replaced with "destroy," and phrases like, "I'll kill you!" were replaced with,"I'll send you to another dimension!" Entire episodes were cut out completely, dialogue was changed to suit an American audience, special attacks were renamed to lame-ass catch phrases like "Special Beam Cannon," and things generally sucked compared to an unedited, subtitled version. Keeping in mind that 90% of my visitors familiar with the subject matter have probably seen only the English dub of DBZ (you poor souls), I have kept the story as dub-friendly as possible, replacing only the lamest of name and special attack changes with their proper Japanese names.
Okay, I think that's it. DBZ is a big, big world, so I'll elaborate and explain much more in an FAQ update at some point. Enjoy the story!
-Cloud
(It is a peaceful day in the countryside, as the four current Spice Girls are cruising on a road through the middle of nowhere in their brand-new bus. This, however, is a blissful type of nowhere; the pastures around them are green, the sun is bright, and only the faintest sound of things being blown to pieces can be heard in the distance.)
Scary: I'm still amazed the record company paid the bill of having this bus redecorated!
Posh: I'm not. Since we're marketing a new image, it only makes sense that they'd do this for us.
Sporty: Don't you think the black vinyl covering the sides of the bus is a bit much though?
Posh: No! Nothing is "hip" nowadays if it doesn't involve black vinyl or leather!
Sporty: Oh, right.
Scary: I'm still worried about our new sound. What if it doesn't go over very well?
Posh: Well, instead of being a perfect rip-off of every bubblegum pop group that ever existed, we're now a rip-off of every American R&B group to come out in the last 4 years! We'll sell millions!
Sporty: Did anyone else feel that?
Scary: Shut it! You're not getting us to fall for that little trick again!
Sporty: I'm not going to grope you again, Mel! I meant the bloody bumps we've been running into in the road.
Posh: Wait a minute. If the three of us are here, and the slut's been kicked out of the group, who's been driving the new, hip Spice bus?
(A blank stare of horror passes between the three girls as they make a mad dash for the front of the vehicle. Surely enough, Baby Spice is playing with a Rubik's Cube while the bus is bounding over untouched fields instead of concrete roads.)
Scary (screaming): Who gave her the FUCKING cube again?!
Posh: We're all going to die!
Sporty: Right then! (She makes a grab for Posh, who reflexively swats the lecherous Sporty's hands away.) Rats.
(Meanwhile, a few hills over…)
(Goku, hero among heroes, is holding his newly-arrived brother, Raditz in a tight grip from behind. The Namek warrior-turned good guy, Piccolo, is charging up his powerful Makankousappu [That's "Special Beam Cannon" for you American viewers.] attack. Goku's son, the frightened Gohan, sits nearby watching and cowering.)
Piccolo (grunting as his attack charges): Just… a… little longer… Goku!
Goku (sweating under the pressure): You've been saying that for the past three hours!
Piccolo: Just a little longer!
(Goku sighs.)
Raditz: This is all pointless, you know! You can't win!
Piccolo: Okay! Get out of the way, Goku!
Goku: No! Take us both out! If I move, he'll be free for a second and can block your attack!
Piccolo: Trust me, he won't be able to stop it!
Gohan (quivering): Daddy, should you even be discussing this in front of him?
(Back in the bus, the Spice Girls are feverishly trying to remove Baby from the driver's seat.)
Scary: THIS is why we can't take her to Krispy Kreme when we're on tour in the States!
Posh: When did she gain so much bloody weight?!
Sporty (trying to lift Baby from rather private areas): Ugh! It's no use! We can't move her!
(Back at the battle…)
Goku: Okay, Piccolo, I'll move at the last second!
(Piccolo nods in agreement and in a split second extends his arm, screaming out the word, "Makankousappu!" as a deadly beam of energy springs from his hand and flies towards Raditz. With a flying leap at the last second, Goku hurls himself out from behind Raditz, as the energy pierces Raditz's Saiyan armor and chest. He falls to the ground as Goku tumbles to the ground to his right.)
Goku: Whew! I'm safe!
(As he breathes a sigh of relief, the Spice bus slams into him, flattening him and causing the bus to buck. Baby's foot slams on the brakes, and Sporty Spice is launched through the windshield, landing in a heap near Goku and bleeding profusely. The three remaining girls rush out of the bus.)
Gohan (seeing his father's dying body): DADDY!
Posh (seeing Sporty's dying body): MY PAYCHECK!
(Gohan leaps over Raditz's body and embraces his father.)
Gohan: Daddy! I'm sorry I couldn't help you!
Goku: It's okay, son. (He coughs for effect.) You can always wish me back to life with the seven dragonballs.
Raditz (dying but still alive): Hahaha! You'll never win! Compared to what you'll face next, I was nothing!
Piccolo: Say what?
Raditz (pointing to his eyepiece): This was not merely a device used to track power levels; it was also a transmitter! And now that the people listening on the other end have heard about these "dragonballs," they'll be coming to Earth in exactly one year! They are two of the finest Saiyan wa…
Posh (kicking Raditz in the ribs): Shut up! You keep babbling on like that while important things are happening in my life! My meal ticket is about to die!
Raditz: Hey! Stop that! (Posh continues kicking him until he eventually expires.)
Posh: That'll teach him. (She returns to Sporty's side.)
Scary: Wasn't that a bit harsh, Vic? I mean, it sounded as if he was telling us something important.
Posh: Oh he was a bloody windbag. Now then, Melanie dear, who would you like me… I mean… us to sell the photography rights to your funeral to?
Sporty (weakly): Tell… my… female fans… I… love them!
(She and Goku both die. Gohan cries.)
Piccolo: Well, this is just great. Two more Saiyans are arriving on Earth in one year, and they're even stronger than Raditz. I guess I'll have to train Gohan myself, since my Goku is dead and all. It only makes sense to train my mortal enemy's son.
Scary (to Piccolo): Say, why not train us as well? We can help save the earth too! It'll be great publicity.
Piccolo (stunned): Huh? Was I even talking to you?
Posh: Hmph. (She crosses her arms and looks away.)
Piccolo (looking at Posh): Hey, she's got the right attitude. Okay bitch, you're hired. The rest of you gather up any remaining friends you have and meet up with a little bald man named Krillin. He'll be here in a couple minutes to see what's going on with Goku; he'll help you get ready.
(Piccolo snatches both Gohan and Posh in his arms and flies away, leaving the two girls by themselves.)
Baby: Duh?
Scary: Yes, I suppose we could call Ginger and see what she's up to. A well-publicized reunion might get us some quick cash. (She opens a cellular phone and dials.) Hey Geri! (pause) No no, it's Mel. (pause) No, don't worry, the other Mel. The restraining order's not against me. (pause) Yeah, well she's dead right now so it's a moot point. Listen, we have a situation…
(As she speaks, a short, bald man in an orange uniform lands nearby. He sees the bodies of Goku and Raditz and no sign of Gohan or Piccolo.)
Krillin: Oh no! Goku! (He rushes over.) He's dead! My best friend is dead! What happened here?!
Scary (yelling): Hey midget, quiet the fuck down! I'm on the PHONE! Sheesh, the nerve of some people.
(A few hours later...)
(A small party has assembled in Kame House, the island home of Master Roshi, who trained both Goku and Krillin. Among those in attendance are Roshi, Krillin, Scary, Baby, Ginger, Bulma [a brilliant but highly bitchy female scientist], Tien [a three-eyed fighter with a variety of attacks], Chiaotzu [a small emperor doll with extraordinary mental abilities who is Tien's best friend], Yamcha [a former bandit turned fighter with a couple of scars on his face], and Oolong [a cowardly shapeshifter who stays in the form of a bipedal pig].)
Tien: Goku… dead. I just can't believe it!
Chiaotzu: Oh, Tien!
Yamcha: And now these Saiyans are coming to Earth in one year!
Krillin: We've gotta wish Goku back with the dragonballs! He's our only hope!
Scary: You know, you all keep saying that he's so great and strong, but he got his ass pretty sorely kicked by that green guy's energy blast.
Ginger: Yeah, and the Spice bus.
Oolong: Oh, we're all going to die!
Bulma (to Scary): Now just wait a minute there, slut! I've known Goku almost his entire life, and he always saves the day!
Scary: Well excuse me, Ms. Blue Hair! What, did you two have an affair or something? He's dead; get over it!
Bulma: Why, you bitch!
Scary: Bite me!
(They lunge at each other and proceed to beat each other senseless in front of everyone.)
Roshi: Whoa boy, that's what I call a fight! Go, girls, go!
Oolong: This beats the hell out of those aerobics videos you rent!
Roshi: Ack! I'm getting a mental transmission from Kami right now! Of all the rotten timing…
Ginger (to Yamcha): He's getting a transmission from a Communist?
Yamcha: No, from KAMI. He's the guardian of Earth.
(Bulma glances over in the middle of her brawl and notices them talking.)
Bulma: Hey bitch, get away from my man!
(She tosses Scary aside and leaps for Ginger, beginning another scuffle. Roshi, in the meantime, finishes talking to what appears to be himself.)
Roshi: Well, Kami's at the gates of the afterlife with Goku and that other girl. He says not to wish Goku and that other girl back with the dragonballs until a year has passed. Something about them getting trained by a great master.
Tien: What about us?
Chiaotzu: We won't be any match for those Saiyans!
Yamcha: We'll be done for!
Krillin: Again!
(Bulma continues slamming Ginger's head against the floor.)
(Meanwhile, at the gates of the afterlife...)
(Goku and Sporty are led by an older green gentleman resembling Piccolo to a large desk. Seated behind this desk is an equally large man with a book. The former is Kami, the latter is King Yamma.)
Kami: Now Goku, Sporty, this is King Yamma. He's in charge of setting everyone on the right path here.
King Yamma: Where are these two headed, Kami?
Kami: Well, I wanted to send them to meet King Kai.
King Yamma: Kai? You're kidding, right? Even if they did make it all the way to the end, he'd just bore them to death with his rotten jokes!
Goku: The end?
King Yamma: If you're serious, you've gotta go that way. (He points to his right. There, just past an archway, is a long, winding stone path, vaguely resembling a serpent's back.) That there is Snake Way. King Kai's planet is at the very end of it. Of course, no one's ever gotten to the end except King Kai himself…
Sporty: Couldn't I just go to a nice heaven or something?
Kami: I don't think so! They need all the help they can get on Earth, and you happen to be somewhat physically fit. Plus, you ran over Goku in your bus! At least have a little courtesy!
Sporty: Fine! (She mutters.) Green prick!
Kami: I heard that! I may be old, but I'm still the guardian of Earth!
Goku: Come on Sporty, let's go!
(In a quick flash, Goku leaps into the air and begins flying along Snake Way.)
Sporty (watching him fly): Oh… great. Wait for me! (She begins jogging along after him.)
(In a barren, rocky area in the middle of nowhere…)
Piccolo (standing in front of Posh and Gohan, strutting back and forth like a drill sergeant): Now listen up, MAGGOTS! You're working for Piccolo now, and that means you do what Piccolo says when Piccolo says it!
Posh: Um, question? (She raises her hand sheepishly.)
Piccolo: What?!
Posh: Who's this "Piccolo" fellow? Some sort of musical instrument?
Piccolo (visibly frustrated): I'm Piccolo you dense bitch!
Posh: So why are you referring to yourself in the third…
Piccolo: Shut up! (He glares.) Now, when I say "Jump," the two of you will say, "How high?" When I say, "Get on your knees," you will ask, "Is this how you like it?" And when I tell you to say my name, you will scream in ecstasy! Is that understood?
Gohan: Mister Piccolo? Are we learning how to fight or making one of those dirty movies Oolong likes to watch?
Piccolo: I… uh… I was just showing you that I don't take any crap from anyone! Now, I don't want to hear either of you complaining! No crying about dead fathers or dead careers while you're training with me!
Posh: So what are we going to do? Break boards with our skulls?
Piccolo: I'm going to give you your first lesson now. Gohan, go and beat up a small, furry animal. Victoria, I want you to destroy that mountain over there with your bare hands.
Gohan: Uhh…
Posh: Shouldn't… shouldn't that be the other way around?
Piccolo: Are you questioning my judgement?!
Gohan & Posh: No sir!
(Gohan rushes off to attack a rabbit, while Posh charges head first towards the mountain.)
(Moments later, the nearby forest is on fire, and Posh is screaming her head off...)
Posh: My NAILS! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
(Up in the barren wastes of space, two Saiyan space capsules are ever nearing Earth. Inside each capsule is a proud Saiyan warrior -Vegeta in one pod and Nappa in the other. But they're not there yet, so fuck 'em.)
(Back on Earth, Ginger, Scary, and Baby have traveled with the other Z fighters to a floating palace high in the sky, anchored to the planet by a thin line. This is God's palace - the home of Kami.)
Ginger: Wow… what do you suppose it costs to heat this place?
Scary: Do you think he gets cable up here?
Ginger: Of course not! He must have a satellite dish; the reception at this height would be beautiful!
Baby: Tee hee!
Scary: What's she babbling about? She's been trying to say something since that Raditz fellow died, and I can't understand a word she says.
Ginger: She's been talking way too fast for me!
Baby: Gah! Gah gah gah goo!
(The girls sigh and turn their attentions to the other Z fighters, who seem to be waiting for someone. Yamcha wanders over to them.)
Yamcha: Hey, is your blonde friend single?
Scary: We're not entirely sure. Why?
Yamcha: Well, she is sort of cute… And Bulma keeps talking about wanting to have sex with a powerful alien, disregard our entire relationship history, and have his babies, so I want to keep my options open.
Ginger: Go for it. The worst she can say is, "Tee hee hee! Duh!"
Yamcha: Uh… okay.
Kami: Attention everyone!
(The green-skinned guardian of the Earth emerges from inside the palace. Walking next to him is a black-skinned man-like creature of some sort wearing a turban.)
Kami: Good news everybody! This, as you know, but which I will repeat for the sake of exposition, is Mr. Popo. The two of us are going to send you into a magical room to train against Saiyans that may be very much like the ones you will encounter in a few weeks.
Scary: "Magical room," huh?
Mr. Popo: Oh yes, very magical.
Scary: So far today, I've seen a man with three eyes, a talking, walking emperor doll who can beat the crap out of regular humans, a green-skinned alien who happens to be God, and a bald monk with no nose who made a pass at me back at that turtle guy's house!
(Everyone stares questioningly at Krillin.)
Krillin (protesting to the other Z fighters): What?! It's not like I knew what a vow of chastity meant when I was growing up!
Tien (to Scary): What exactly are you getting at?
Scary: What I'm saying is that this entire trip is nothing more than one of my drug-induced hallucinations! And now we're going to go to a "magical room" to beat up imaginary aliens!
Mr. Popo: Well… (He holds up a piece of paper.) You could always just stay out here and drop this acid.
Scary: It's a deal! (She rushes to grab the LSD from Popo, then runs away with it greedily.)
Kami: Popo, why do you always do that to the new arrivals? They usually end up falling off the edge at some point.
Mr. Popo: Why Kami, I live in this floating palace with you, and the only time I interact with anyone else is when the world is in danger! I have to get my rocks off somehow!
(He walks into the palace, leading the Z fighters to a large room. Outside, a distant scream is heard as Scary topples off the edge of the palace and falls toward the ground below.)
Ginger: Figures.
Chiaotzu: Do you think we should go rescue her?
Tien: Chiaotzu, hush!
Chiaotzu: Sorry Tien.
Mr. Popo: Are you all ready?
Krillin: You bet! These Saiyans can't possibly be that tough!
(Mr. Popo opens the door to the magical room, and the valiant warriors walk through. Inside, they find a perfect replication of planet Vegeta, home of the Saiyans. A few Saiyan warriors lurk about the streets.)
(Moments later...)
Krillin: Not in the face! Not in the face! (A Saiyan kicks him in the groin.)
Yamcha: Not in the groin! Not in the groin! (Another Saiyan kicks him in the groin as well.)
(Ginger is getting beaten senseless by her own Saiyan opponent, and she trips on the fallen body of Chiaotzu. Tien is guarding the little emperor with every ounce of his strength against another Saiyan.)
Ginger: Ugh! Ouch! Oof! (She reaches for Chiaotzu.) This is ridiculous! They're stronger than any pimp I've ever come across! I have to protect myself!
(She picks up Chiaotzu's body and begins blocking punches with it. Chiaotzu lets out a muffled grunt with each shot.)
Tien: Hey! Stop that! It's my sworn duty to protect him at all costs!
Ginger: Then here! Protect away! (She tosses Chiaotzu to Tien, then runs behind him. Tien has a mere second to react as he catches Chiaotzu and is pummeled by the Saiyan that was after Ginger.)
Tien: Damn you! (He is knocked out.)
Ginger: Say, I wonder how Baby's doing? (As she turns around to investigate the battle around her, two Saiyans pounce on her and knock her into oblivion. She loses consciousness.)
(Back along Snake Way... Goku and Sporty are nearing what appears to be a castle near the end of the path.)
Goku: Hey, this must be King Kai's place!
Sporty (glancing towards the rest of the path in front of them): Umm… maybe. Except King Yamma said that King Kai lives on a planet at the end of Snake Way. And this is neither a planet, nor is it the end of Snake Way.
Goku: Details, details. Come on, this has to be the place! (He runs inside.)
Sporty: I have a bad feeling about this… (She follows him inside.)
(In this castle, many servant girls are bustling about. Goku and Sporty stand by the door, waiting for someone to approach.)
(In another room of the castle...)
Servant Girl: Princess Snake! We have visitors!
Princess Snake: Visitors! Are any of them men?
Servant Girl: One of them is! Umm… I'm not sure about the other one!
Princess Snake: What does it look like?
Servant Girl: Thick black hair, an orange karate-looking outfit, and big muscles!
Princess Snake: Yes! They must both be men! Thank goodness, I was beginning to think I'd never have sex or a good meal again!
(She rushes to the door to greet Goku and Sporty.)
Goku (to himself): Wow, King Kai is a woman?
Sporty (to herself): Wow, King Kai is a woman!
Goku: King Kai! My name is Goku!
Princess Snake: King who?
Sporty: And I'm Sporty Spice! We've come to train with you!
Princess Snake: Train? (She pauses.) Umm… okay… right this way, gentlemen!
Sporty: Hey, I'm a woman!
(Princess Snake turns around to look her up and down.)
Princess Snake: Eh. Close enough.
(Back on Earth in a remote region...)
Piccolo (staring at a Women of Namek nudie magazine centerfold and barely paying attention to his trainees): Yes, that's it. Ooo, right there. Oh, you're so good! No, don't tug on those too hard! That's it, yesss…
Gohan: Mr. Piccolo?
Piccolo (startled): Huh?! What?! (He snaps out of his daydream.) What is it, Gohan?
Gohan: You were saying some things, but I couldn't quite hear you, so I ran over.
Piccolo: Oh… um… I was saying, "Yes, that's it!" when you tackled that limping cat. And when I had you blast that paralyzed chipmunk into nothingness, I said, "You're so good!"
Gohan: Mr. Piccolo, is this really training? I mean, you've got Ms. Victoria punching holes through tree limbs and grinding rocks into dust with her teeth, and so far all I've done is attacked defenseless woodland animals! And how is bringing you issues of Babes of Namek supposed to increase my power level?
Piccolo: Are you questioning my training methods?!
Gohan: Uh… no sir!
Piccolo: Good! Now, I'd have you go and fight some groundhogs, but it's getting dark and the moon is out.
Gohan: The moon? Where?
(Posh runs over to the pair. She has a large rock in her hands which she breaks in half. Her hair is wrapped in a headband, her clothes have been replaced with a paramilitary-style training uniform, and she has dirt and sweat dripping off of her; her teeth are clenched and her muscles are more well-defined.)
Posh: All done training for today boss! I can feel my power level increasing already!
Piccolo: That's good. Gohan, are you ready to eat? (He turns around, looking for Gohan.) Gohan?
(Standing in Gohan's place is a gigantic ape-like creature. The boy has apparently mutated into this monstrous animal by looking at the full moon.)
Posh: What the…?
Piccolo: The full moon must have transformed him into the Saiyans' second form!
Posh: What do we do?
Piccolo: You! Blow up the moon!
Posh: Me???
Piccolo: Sure! It's a… uh… test of your power!
(Gohan in his Oozaru [Yes, that is the technical term for it] form begins rampaging about the land, lifting rocks, shooting energy beams from his mouth, and causing general destruction.)
Posh: Well… okay!
(Piccolo allows Posh an instant to turn around and focus her thoughts... and he makes a quick dash for a distant mountain.)
Piccolo (yelling): Sucker! (He flies away.)
Posh: That bastard! He left! Hmph. Well, I'll show him!
(She outstretches her open palms in front of her and takes aim at the moon.)
(A slight crackle of blue energy forms in front of her hands.)
(The energy begins to increase in size until it is about the size of a basketball.)
Posh: Bakamehameha!!!!!
(She lets the energy loose with a bright flash. It travels unerringly and completely obliterates the full moon. Gohan shrinks back to his normal self, completely naked and unconscious. Posh walks over to him.)
Posh: Aw, you poor little guy… (She gets down on one knee next to him.) You little bastard! You could have killed me! (She begins slapping Gohan around.) And after all the time and money Piccolo has put into buying lawnchairs and pornography so he can train us properly! You should be ashamed!
(She continues slapping him around for a bit, then finds and kills a large carnivorous dinosaur for her dinner.)
(While all of this excitement is going on, the other Z fighters and pop stars training with Kami are licking their wounds outside of the training room.)
Yamcha: Oh man… my groin…
Bulma: Well it's not like you were using it anyway, mister!
Ginger: I'd say we were thoroughly trashed. (She glances at Baby, who doesn't have a scratch on her.) Except her, for some reason. How on Earth are we supposed to beat those Saiyans in real life if we can't even beat simulations of them?
Mr. Popo: And the two Saiyan warriors are going to arrive here in less than a week!
Chiaotzu: A week?
Krillin: But… but… when we went into that room, they were months away!
Tien: How does time pass so quickly when we're not fighting, yet seem to encompass weeks when we're fighting someone really tough?!
Kami: Stop questioning the nature of your existence! Besides, it's time for you bunch to go and meet the Saiyans. They're arriving today.
Yamcha: What the…?
Krillin: But we're not strong enough!
Ginger: Or drunk enough!
Kami: What, you actually expect to beat them? We're just expecting all of you to stall them until we can bring Goku back from the dead to beat them senseless.
Tien: But we're the strongest fighters in the world! Surely we can…
Kami: Nope.
Krillin: But…
Kami: No!
Chiaotzu: We…
Kami: You're stalling until Goku arrives and that's that! Now get going!
(The Z fighters fly off. Yamcha carries Baby in his arms, while Krillin carries Ginger on his back.)
(Back in the afterlife...)
(Princess Snake has turned into a gigantic serpent and is chasing Goku and Sporty around Snake Way.)
Sporty: There must be some sort of cosmic irony in the fact that that woman turned into a phallic symbol!
Goku: Quick! The only way to lose her is to duck under those clouds!
Sporty: But didn't that man we met on the road tell us not to go down there?
Goku: No time to argue!
(He grabs Sporty and together they fly underneath the clouds that surround Snake Way. As they pass through, they attempt to fly back upwards out of the way of the serpent, only to find that the clouds will not let them pass back the other way.)
Goku: This can't be good!
Sporty: Let's ask those two large people down on the ground for some help.
(She points down to the ground, where two ogres named Goz and Mez are enjoying a game of cards. Printed on their T-shirts are the letters HFIL.)
Goku: Say, maybe you two guys could help us!
Sporty: We sort of fell through the clouds by accident, and we ended up here!
Goz: Yep, you've landed in the Home For Infinite Losers. A lot of people "fall through."
Goku: Home For Infinite Losers?
Sporty: Don't you mean we're in Hel… (Mez interrupts her.)
Mez: No! I most certainly do not! Can't you see our T-shirts? They say "HFIL!" Home For Infinite Losers!
Sporty: I don't know… if you just add in a few lines to those letters, it spells H-E-L-
Goz: Shut up! H-F-I-L! That's final! It is most certainly not called that other word!
Goku: Fine, fine, Infinite Losers it is. Um, so how do we escape here?
Mez: Oh, that? It's easy, just go up those stairs over there. (He points to a convenient staircase in the side of a mountain.)
Sporty: That's all?
Goku: You're not going to challenge us to see if we're worthy to leave or anything?
Goz: Nah. Today's our day off, and we're pretty exhausted from anally raping Napoleon earlier this morning.
Mez: At the same time!
Sporty (dumbfounded): You're allowed to say that you sodomized someone, but you're not allowed to call this place He…
Goz and Mez: SHHHHHHH!!!
Goku: Come on Squirty, let's go!
Sporty: For the last time, it's Sporty! Or Melanie!
(They travel up the stairs and find themselves back at the very beginning of Snake Way. They let out a heavy sigh and begin to travel a few more months to the end of the path and King Kai's planet.)
(Meanwhile, back on Earth, the two Saiyan space pods have landed. One Saiyan is a short, arrogant man with tall, black hair named Vegeta. The other is a large, bald, muscular man with a moustache; his name is Nappa.)
Vegeta: What a pathetic little planet this is. I can't believe that idiot Raditz couldn't take this place all by himself.
Nappa: Hey Vegeta, why don't we go blow some shit up?
Vegeta: Sure, why not.
(Vegeta and Nappa fly themselves into a large city and proceed to destroy every building in sight.)
Vegeta: Boy, it's a good thing it's a Sunday, or those buildings might have had actual innocent civilians in them!
Nappa: But Vegeta…. Today is Thursday.
Vegeta: It is? Oh well, fuck the innocent people then!
(The proceed to destroy every human installation they find, as several news crews and helicopters circle the area, trying to get a shot of these two alien warriors.)
Nappa: Hey! I sense a bunch of somewhat high power levels coming our way!
Vegeta: Ah, I sense them too. They're no match for us. At best, they're one eighth of our combined power levels.
Nappa: I don't know, I'd say more like three sixteenths of our combined power when we're not at full power.
Vegeta: No no… at our full power, their power levels are around one twenty-fourth.
Nappa: I'd say more like one twenty fifth.
Vegeta: Yes, but you forgot to take into account their current power levels divided by the number of life forces… If you take our total power levels after our last battle and factor in the training we've done, then square the…
(The pair of Saiyans continues to argue as the Z warriors approach them gradually.)
(Back in the afterlife, Goku and Sporty have finally landed on a small planetoid at the very end of Snake Way. The planet is only a few hundred meters in circumference, yet there is a tiny house, a car, and a driveway there.)
Goku: This must be King Kai's planet!
Sporty: Are you sure this time?
Goku: It's not like there's anywhere else around here he could be. Hey! That must be him now!
(Goku points to an ornery chimpanzee who is hopping around near a tree and beating his chest.)
Sporty: Uh…
Goku: King Kai! King Kai!
Sporty: But it's a monkey…
Goku: Who says a monkey can't be a martial arts master? (He runs to the chimp, and trips onto the ground.) Wow, it sure is hard to move around here. It's like it's twice the gravity of Earth!
(A short, light blue colored person with antennae and sunglasses walks out of the house.)
Blue Man: As a matter of fact, it is!
Goku: Who are you?!
Blue Man: I'm King Kai!
Goku: Then who is this? (He points to the chimp.)
King Kai: That's Bubbles!
Sporty: Like the chimp Michael Jackson owns?
King Kai: No! There is absolutely no connection there! Now never mention that again! (He clears his throat.) So, what brings you here?
Sporty: We're here to train with you so we can save our planet from evil aliens!
King Kai: Oh, one of those. Every year I get whiny little people like you wanting to save their planet. Sheesh.
Goku: Can you help us?!
King Kai: Only if you can complete my training and follow my every instruction to the letter!
Sporty: Okay then, what is your first assignment?
King Kai: You must… (Everyone braces for a moment, awaiting the wise sage's words.) Make me laugh!
(Goku and Sporty fall over.)
Goku: Wha… what?
King Kai: I'm a big fan of jokes! I love jokes! Want to hear a good one?
Sporty: Umm…
King Kai: Here's one: What's eighteen inches long and makes a woman scream all night?
Sporty: Oh no. Ginger told me that one once.
Goku: Gosh King Kai, I don't know.
(King Kai waddles over to Goku and whispers the answer into his ear. Goku looks puzzled for a moment, until the horrible reality of the punch line hits him.)
Goku: OH MY GOD! (He faints.)
King Kai: Not much of a strong stomach, huh? (He turns to Sporty.) Hey she-male! Want to hear another one?
Sporty: No! Looks, our planet's future is at stake! We…
King Kai: First the joke!
(Sporty sighs.)
Sporty: Fine. Did you ever hear about the man from Nantucket?
(Back on Earth... Bulma, Puarr, and Oolong have managed to gather all seven Dragonballs. They are assembled at Kami's palace.)
Bulma: Okay, let's do this! Eternal Dragon, come forth and grant us our wish!
(The dragonballs begin to glow and crackle with energy. The sky darkens, and in a matter of seconds, a gigantic serpentine dragon has risen from the center of the earth and hovers before everyone.)
Dragon: State your wish.
(Bulma clears her throat and prepares to speak while Oolong scratches himself.)
Oolong (muttering to himself): Darn hemorrhoids. I wish they would clear up.
Bulma: We wish for Goku to…
Dragon: Your wish has been granted!
Bulma: Huh? What?
(The dragon disappears and the dragonballs float into the air and disperse themselves once again among the corners of the world.)
Oolong: Ohhhh, that feels so much better.
Bulma: OOLONG!!!
(Back in the afterlife...)
(King Kai is pondering Sporty's dirty limerick.)
King Kai: His ear, you say?
Sporty: Yes.
(King Kai begins snorting and laughing uncontrollably.)
King Kai: Okay! You two pass!
(Goku wakes up from his shock-induced nap.)
Goku: So… what do we do now?
King Kai: Your next exercise in training is to… CATCH BUBBLES!
Goku: The monkey? We have to catch him?
King Kai: That's right! It's so you can get used to the gravity on this planet and build up your stamina.
(Sporty taps him on the shoulder. He turns to look at her. She is holding a squirming Bubbles in her arms.)
Sporty: Now what?
King Kai (infuriated): Not NOW! When I tell you to go!!!
Sporty: Oh, damn. (She lets go of the chimp and he scampers away.)
King Kai: Now go!
(Goku and Sporty make a mad dash for Bubbles.)
(Back on Earth...)
(Vegeta and Nappa are seated in the same place we left them. Vegeta has drawn complex calculus equations on the ground with his finger, and Nappa and he are busily scrutinizing them.)
Nappa: So if we integrate and take the limit of their power levels as x approaches infinity…
Vegeta: Do you see?
Nappa: Yes! It makes sense now!
(Just then, Krillin, Yamcha, Tien, Chiaotzu, Ginger, and Baby arrive directly next to them.)
Vegeta: Oh look, it's the cavalry! We're so frightened!
(A new helicopter flies by overhead. Nappa takes aim with his hand and destroys it with a single energy blast.)
Yamcha: Those news people are okay. I can see their parachutes.
(Vegeta takes aim at a small child carrying a box of puppies who happens to be walking by with a nun. He turns them into a smoldering pile of ashes.)
Tien: They're fine too. I can see their parachutes from here.
Ginger: What the…? Are you two idiots smo…
Nappa (interrupting): As you Earthlings can see, you're no match for us! Our combined power level is easily 4.560234518 times yours!
(Vegeta swats Nappa in the back of the head.)
Vegeta: You idiot! You forgot to multiply by y!
Nappa: I'm sorry Vegeta!
Vegeta: Well then, shall we begin this little dance of ours? Nappa! Let's send them all to another dimension!
(Nappa is about to attack...)
Nappa: Huh?
Vegeta: Send them to another dimension. (Nappa shakes his head in puzzlement.) You know… another dimension. (No response.) Another DIMENSION.
Nappa: What, you mean kill them?
Vegeta: Yes, but don't say it like that! We're just going to destroy them and send them to another dimension.
Nappa: Why don't we just say we're going to tear off their limbs and beat them to death with them?
Vegeta: Because that's not how we're allowed to say it at this time in the morning!
(The afterlife again...)
(Sporty and Goku have succeeded in catching Bubbles.)
King Kai: Good job! Now, if you two can pass my next challenge, I will teach you how to use the Spirit Bomb and Kaioken attacks!
Sporty: What impossible task do we have to do this time? Find your balls in all those layers of fat you have?
King Kai: Oh, you big meanie! Say, do you know what the difference is between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
(Goku is about to say, "No," until Sporty stops him and covers up his mouth.)
Goku: Mmf!
Sporty: We don't want to know! Just tell us our next assignment!
King Kai (sighing): Okay, fine. Your next test is to hit Gregory with a big hammer.
Goku: Gregory?
(A small, flying insect pops up from behind King Kai's back.)
Gregory: Hi!
Sporty (gravely angered at this point): Where's the mallet?
King Kai: Right here! (He holds out two large wooden mallets and hands them to Goku and Sporty.) Ready… set… and go!
(Sporty begins beating King Kai senseless with the mallet while Goku chases Gregory.)
Sporty: You… fat… tub… of shit! We're supposed to save the planet, not take up as exterminators! (She huffs out various insults while beating the wise, old god.)
(On Earth, the Z fighters and Saiyans are about to face off...)
(Piccolo, Gohan, and Posh arrive shortly.)
Piccolo: All right, Saiyans! We're here to beat you! Or… um… stall you long enough for the real muscle to show up. Whichever happens first.
Vegeta: Ooo, a Namek! Nappa, let's toy with them a bit! Bring out the Saibamen!
(Nappa produces a small box with a bunch of capsules in it. He tosses them onto the ground, and each one sprouts into a green alien fighter.)
Vegeta: Now then, you'll have to fight them one at a time!
Tien: Fine! (He walks up to one of the Saibamen, forms his hands into a triangle, and yells.) Kikoho… HA! (The Saibaman vanishes into dust as a might blast of energy pummels its way through the fragile alien.) Piece of cake.
Yamcha: Hey, that's easy!
(Yamcha strolls up to another Saibaman, who seems a little more prepared for this attack.)
Yamcha: Now then… short, green, and ugly… reminds me of my last girlfriend! Hahahaha!
(The Saibaman, annoyed, grabs Yamcha's groin.)
Yamcha: No! Not in the…
(The green alien self-destructs, taking Yamcha, crotch and all, with it.)
Ginger: Eep.
Krillin: I'll… uh… I'll be going now! I just remembered I left the oven on!
(Krillin grabs the nearest body shield he can find, which happens to be Baby, and runs for the nearest rock.)
Vegeta: Oh, this is going to take forever. Attack them all!
(The Saibamen charge at the Z fighters. Posh stops one in its tracks with her left arm, and proceeds to pound her fist through its head with a loud battle cry. Her arm is buried in Saibaman blood up to the elbow; her eyes burn with wild rage and power. Piccolo fires a wave of energy blasts at his opponent, destroying it completely. Chiaotzu and Tien stand back-to-back throwing punches at two Saibamen, knocking both into the next life. Ginger runs for cover, but is tackled by a Saibaman of her own. Gohan stands nearby, blocking punches but not reciprocating the attacks.)
Ginger: Baby! Baldy! HELP!
(Krillin, squatting behind a large rock, is singing to himself with his fingers in his ears. Baby seems be drooling at the Saiyans' shiny armor and takes no notice of Ginger's cry.)
(Tien turns to see Ginger about to be killed by the alien.)
Tien: Oh well, time to be a hero again. Multi-form!
(Tien splits into two separate Tiens, one of which runs to Ginger's side and kicks the Saibaman into low orbit.)
Ginger: Wow… thanks!
Tien: Sure.
Ginger: Say, you know, turning into two men can be pretty useful…
(She is interrupted as the last Saibaman is killed and Nappa begins yelling in rage.)
(Back in the afterlife, King Kai has managed to teach both Goku and Sporty his special techniques.)
Goku: This is incredible!
Sporty: I know! I've never been so strong in my life! (She fires a gigantic energy blast into oblivion simply for effect.)
King Kai: I'm impressed! I thought that with Goku being a Saiyan, he would end up the stronger one. But it looks like you, Sporty, have managed to become twice as powerful as Goku!
Sporty: Really? Wow!
(Back on Earth, Bulma has managed to collect the Dragonballs again. She has a large piece of duct tape over Oolong's mouth now.)
Bulma: Now then… dragon, we have another wish!
(The dragon appears in front of them again. He is wearing a shower cap and has soap suds over most of his scaly body. One of his tiny arms holds a bottle of baby oil.)
Dragon: This had better be good! The Golden Girls will be on in ten minutes, and I hear Bea Arthur's nipple is showing through her sweater in one scene!
Bulma: Our wish is to bring Goku and Sporty Spice back to life!
Dragon: Very well. Your wish has… wait. Is that two people?
Bulma: Um… yes?
Dragon: I cannot do that. I can only bring back one person.
Bulma: Shit. Well then…
(Moments later in the afterlife, King Kai is receiving a telepathic signal from Kami.)
King Kai: Really? Yes… yes, I see. Okay then!
Goku: What's the news, King Kai?
King Kai: Goku, you've been wished back to life to fight the Saiyans! Congratulations!
Sporty: WHAT?! But you said I was at twice his power level! I can turn them into powder just by looking at them!
King Kai: Yeah, yeah, tough noogies. Goku, get going!
Goku: Right! See ya, King Kai!
(Goku flies off.)
Sporty: So… I'm dead for good?
King Kai: Probably.
Sporty: And I'm stuck here in the afterlife with… YOU?
King Kai: Yep, looks that way! Say, have you heard what the best thing about having sex with an eight-year-old is?
Sporty (not even waiting for the joke's punch line): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Goku pops back into existence in the real world, several hundred miles from the battle.)
Goku: Darn, I have to get there quickly!
(He flies off at full speed.)
(Meanwhile...)
Nappa: Puny humans! Nappa smash!
(Nappa begins launching an attack against the Z fighters. He charges his energy and flies at full speed, knocking everyone off his or her feet.)
Piccolo: Posh Spice! This is the moment you've trained for! Go take on Nappa!
Posh: Hai, sensei!
(She turns to Nappa and charges her energy.)
Nappa: What the…?
Posh: Now you face the power of a true Super Spice Girl! Hiyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
(She screams and launches herself at Nappa. Nappa steps sideways, grabs her by the neck as she passes by, and snaps her head off.)
Piccolo: Wow… I really didn't see that coming.
Ginger: Yay! Go Nappa! The bitch got what she deserved! Woo!
Chiaotzu (standing next to Ginger): I'll take care of Nappa.
(Ginger begins laughing hysterically.)
Chiaotzu: What?
Ginger: You're kidding, right?
Chiaotzu: Of course not!
(The little emperor doll flies towards Nappa and latches himself onto his back.)
Chiaotzu: Goodbye, Tien!
Tien: No! Chiaotzu! Don't do this! We still have a mortgage to pay!
(Chiaotzu self-destructs on Nappa's back. As the cloud of smoke clears, Nappa appears to be stunned, and his clothes are tattered, but he is still very much alive. Chiaotzu is completely gone)
Ginger: I tried to tell the little squirt…
Tien: Chiaotzu! Oh man, where is Goku?!
(Nearby...)
Goku: Just a little longer!
(Back at the battle...)
Nappa: Wow, that almost hurt!
(Tien, enraged, flies at Nappa and begins launching a flurry of punches on him. They seem to have little effect and Nappa fires an energy blast at him. Tien is knocked back, his left arm completely destroyed.)
Gohan (standing next to Piccolo): You big bully!
Nappa: Shut up, runt!
(Nappa launches a huge energy attack at Gohan.)
Piccolo: Oh shit! I'd better get out of the way or I'll get fried like the kid!
(Piccolo runs to get out of the way, but accidentally trips and stumbles backwards... directly in front of Gohan. The energy blast hits him dead on, and he collapses to the ground, nearly dead.)
Gohan: Mr. Piccolo! You took that energy blast for me! You saved my life!
Piccolo: You… bastard. (He mumbles this last word; Gohan happens not to hear it.)
(Gohan weeps.)
Nappa: Now then, I guess I'd better take care of the kid. (He flies into the air, preparing to fire upon Gohan.)
Tien: No! (He charges up the last of his energy with his remaining arm, and fires it at Nappa.) Kikoho… HA! (With the last of his energy drained, Tien dies.)
(Nappa turns in time to see the energy wave strike him. His armor is completely destroyed, and he is shaken, but he is still alive.)
Vegeta: Aw… if he hadn't turned around, that blast might have destroyed him!
Ginger (dryly): Lucky him. Where the hell did Baby and the bald guy go anyway?
(Krillin is still cowering behind a rock while Baby is poking Tien's corpse with a stick.)
Krillin: Oh man, where is Goku?!
(Nearby...)
Goku: Just a little longer!
(Back at the battle...)
Vegeta: Now Nappa, send them all to another dimension!
Nappa: Dammit Vegeta, there you go again with that "another dimension" crap. Why don't you just say, "kill"?
Vegeta: I prefer to say it this way! It sounds better!
Nappa: No it doesn't! Allow me to demonstrate.
(He points a finger at the helpless Ginger, who explodes into tiny pieces.)
Nappa: You see? That's killing someone, not sending them to another dimension!
Vegeta: You fool! I was enjoying her ample cleavage!
(Vegeta tosses Nappa into the air and points his hands at him.)
Vegeta: Big bang attack!
(A huge blast of energy comes from Vegeta's open palm, destroying Nappa completely.)
Vegeta: Now then, where was I? Ah yes, I was about to send you all to another dimension!
Gohan: You mean you're gonna kill us!
Vegeta: Why, you little brat!
Gohan: Oh man, where is Dad?!
(Nearby...)
Goku: Just a little longer!
(Back at the battle...)
(Gohan is dodging energy blasts and kicks by Vegeta furiously.)
Gohan: You wait until my dad gets here! He's going to get you good!
Vegeta: Well, by the time Daddy gets here, you'll be long gone!
(Vegeta raises a fist to deliver a crushing blow to Gohan, when a hand grabs Vegeta's wrist from behind him and snaps it. He screams in pain and turns around.)
(Standing behind him with a brilliant yellow glow surrounding her, is Baby Spice. Her blonde hair is completely spiked and standing on end, pointing into the air. Her eyes are a much sharper shade of blue, and she has a look of grim seriousness on her face..)
Vegeta: What the…? It can't be!
Baby: Duh.
(She punches him in the chest, sending him flying into a nearby mountain.)
Vegeta (wiping blood from his lip): She's… she's a legendary Super Saiyan! Unbelievable!
(On King Kai's planetoid, Sporty has her hand on King Kai's shoulder, allowing her to view the battle on Earth telepathically.)
Sporty: Amazing! We found Baby years ago in a downed space capsule, and it turns out she's really a Saiyan!
King Kai: A Super Saiyan! She's one of the most powerful beings in the universe because of that special gift! I only hope she's intelligent enough to save some of her energy and not use it all at once on Vegeta!
Sporty: Say, do you think you could get that Bulma woman to wish me back to life sometime soon?
King Kai: Oh, heavens no. When Piccolo died, so did Kami, since they were one and the same. The Dragonballs disappeared with them.
Sporty: GOD DAMN IT!
(Back on Earth...)
(Vegeta is being pummeled by Baby's onslaught.)
Vegeta: I can't believe this! I'm losing to a Super Saiyan woman! My horoscope was right!
Gohan: Yeah! That's it! Beat him up! Make him sorry!
Vegeta: I need someone to help me fight her! Oh man, where is Goku?!
(Nearby...)
Goku: Just a little longer!
(Back at the battle...)
Vegeta: That's it! I surrender!
(Vegeta's body is a bloodied mess, and though Baby has drained most of her energy to the point where she is weaker than Vegeta at top power, Vegeta is too far gone to be any match with her.)
Vegeta: Let me go in peace! I'll never come back to Earth again! I swear!
Baby: Goo!
Gohan: Yeah! You have to pay for what you did to our friends!
(Baby begins charging the last of her energy to kill Vegeta... er... I mean, send him to another dimension.)
(Just then, Goku arrives at the battle. He sees Krillin passed out behind a rock first, and runs over to his best friend.)
Goku: Krillin! What happened?!
Krillin (waking up): Oh… I must have passed out.
Goku: It's okay Krillin. You must be exhausted from all that fighting! You deserve a rest!
Krillin: Fighting… um, yeah! That's the ticket!
Goku: Where is everyone else?
Krillin: They're up ahead. Last I checked, Gohan, the Saiyan, and one of those Spice Girls were all still alive. It's up to you, Goku! (He passes out again.)
Goku: Rest well, my friend. You've earned it.
(Goku flies up ahead in time to see Baby about to finish Vegeta off.)
Gohan: Daddy!
Vegeta (seizing the opportunity): Oh! Goku! (His forces his voice to be high-pitched and feminine.)
Goku: Who are you two?
Vegeta: I'm one of those singing girls that was fighting us… I mean, the Saiyans! And she's the only Saiyan left! (He points to Baby.)
Goku: Well then, there's only one thing to do.
(Baby frantically shakes her head back and forth, but Goku's intelligence and logic is nowhere near the level of his strength. He charges directly at her, kicks her in the stomach and sends her flying into the sun.)
(Vegeta manages to crawl inside his space capsule and fly away.)
Vegeta: Ha ha! Suckers!
(His capsule disappears from sight.)
Gohan: Uh, Daddy? You just killed the wrong Saiyan.
Goku: What? I did?
Gohan: Yeah. It turns out she was a Saiyan too, but a good Saiyan.
Goku: (confused): I… see. So I did kill one Saiyan, right?
Gohan: (hesitantly): Uh… yeah.
Goku: Well then, that's all that matters!
Gohan: I… guess…
THE END
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Trademark and copyright 2001, CloudVader Productions. Do not reproduce without giving the author, Cloud Volpe, due credit.